Posted by Expert Gadget Reviewer on Tuesday, 11 July 2006

Once again, for some inexplicable reason, I was drawn to watching Hollyoaks this afternoon. Whilst in Sheffield, my viewing of the show is almost justified by my housemates mysterious enjoyment of it, as they (well, mainly Jes) whoop in delight at some young and depressingly attractive girl falsely marrying an unsuspecting mug who everyone, apart from every other character in the show, realises will swindle him for every penny he’s worth about seven months down the line. And this, I reckon, is the main problem with this particular soap: the plot lines stretch on beyond the limits of both acceptability and believability. Everyone knew that random guy who nobody’s seen for a while had OCD months and months before it was revealed to gobsmacked pubescent teenagers everywhere; eyes-wide and jaw set to gaping wonder as the acronym flashed up on Google or whatever. I say why not spice things up a little? Introduce random deaths and horrifying (but, crucially, quickly exposed) secrets into the show’s inventory. Or take a leaf from Eastenders’ book: hell, it might be incredibly depressing, but you can’t argue with something being on fire one minute and a punch-up in the Square the next. No… wait, wait, I’ve go it: introduce another feckless blonde to Chester or wherever the hell Hollyoaks is set, and for once, rather than her being completely idiotic or a slyly manipulative minx, turn her into a psychopathic and pathological killer. That ought to tie things up nicely for the final episode, leaving Channel 4 with a beautifully open slot for something truly entertaining (if, for all the wrong reasons): an extended bill of Deal Or No Deal. God Bless you and your endless and inexplicably successful pedalling of utter tripe, Noel Edmonds. As if Mr Blobby wasn't enough.